ACT ONE

FADE IN:

EXT. SEAPORT - MORNING

While Xena arranges stabling for Argo, Gabrielle walks along the rows of merchant shops facing the harbor.  Though they’ve arrived at their seaport destination, the question of where they will go for their vacation is still up in the air.  Various places have been tossed about but each has been rejected for various reasons.

Gabrielle stops outside of a shop that announces itself as “FALAFEL’S TRAVEL AND CHARIOT RENTAL AGENCY”.  And, below that, in smaller letters, “We Try.  Really!”

GABRIELLE

Nah... it couldn’t be.

Giving a small shrug, she enters through the beaded curtains.

CUT TO:

INT. FALAFEL’S SHOP - MORNING

The shop is empty when Gabrielle enters, and she takes her time examining the interior.  The walls are covered with lurid stick figure drawings of sailing ships and what she takes to be passengers waving from the railings.  Each drawing bears a loud caption scrawled in bold ink strokes.

GABRIELLE

(reading)

‘Visit the land of the Norse Gods

on the Grecian Cruise Line’s newest

unsinkable ship, the Titan!’

(beat)

Been there, done that.

She strolls on.

GABRIELLE

(Cont’d, reading)

‘Last Chance to Visit the Unique

Continent of Atlantis!  The Perfect

Trip for Those Who Want to Get

Away from It All.  Permanently!’

(beat)

Ahhh…no.

A rattle of beads and the shop’s proprietor steps through, smiling at her.  Gabrielle’s eyes widen.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Are you….?

FALAFEL

No.

GABRIELLE

But you don’t know what

I was going to ask you.

FALAFEL

Yes I do, and the

answer is no.

GABRIELLE

But you look just like….

FALAFEL

Poor casting.

GABRIELLE

What?

FALAFEL

Never mind. Now, how can I

help you this morning?

Interested in seeing the world?

GABRIELLE

Just looking to get away

for awhile, I guess.

FALAFEL

(beaming)

Well, I can offer you an excellent

deal on our Atlantis package.

GABRIELLE

Not that far away.

Falafel frowns. Then his face clears.

FALAFEL

The Pride of Japa sails in

a little over an hour, if

you’re interested in that.

GABRIELLE

No… My traveling companion

lost something there

the last time we visited.

FALAFEL

Oh?  What?

GABRIELLE

Her head.

FALAFEL

Ah.  How about beautiful

Rome?  The villas, the

coliseum, the...

GABRIELLE

Someone else lost

his head there.

FALAFEL

Oh.  North Africa?

GABRIELLE

Gurkhan.

FALAFEL

Another beheading?

GABRIELLE

Afraid so.

FALAFEL

Hmm.  How about Indus?

Did you lose anything there?

GABRIELLE

My hair.

FALAFEL

You, dear lady, are making this

very difficult.  However, I’m not

about to allow a good sale…I

mean a valued customer…

get away from me so easily.

(beat, thinking)

How about the Norselands?

GABRIELLE

No.

FALAFEL

Another loss?

GABRIELLE

Xena’s memory.

FALAFEL

You’re making this up,

dear lady.  You must be!

GABRIELLE

Not a word.

Falafel looks at her for a long moment and believes.

FALAFEL

Well, and I can’t believe I’m

actually saying this, but with luck

like that, one would think you’d

be looking for ways to stay home.

Gabrielle gives him another look.  He blanches.

FALAFEL

(cont’d)
Yes.  Well.

He looks down at the brochure in his hand and smiles again.

FALAFEL

(cont’d)

How about Pompeii?

GABRIELLE

Another beheading.  Xena’s

doing. Though it was

for a good cause.

FALAFEL

Not the General, my dear

lady.  The island!

As he notices Gabrielle’s sudden interest, his greasy grin broadens.

FALAFEL

(cont’d, dramatically)

Oh, fair Pompeii, the land of

beauty and legend, an artist’s

paradise!  Rolling green hills, the

beautiful Mount Vesuvius....

GABRIELLE

Excuse me.  Did you

say ‘artist’s paradise’?

FALAFEL

Indeed I did, dear woman.  Indeed

I did!  Why, Pompeii is known around

the world as a haven for artists and

artistic types of all stripes!  It’s a

veritable wonderland of plays,

performances, concerts, festivals....

GABRIELLE

Sold!

FALAFEL

Sold?

GABRIELLE

Sold.

FALAFEL

But I didn’t even tell

you the pri....

GABRIELLE

Sold.

FALAFEL

Will that be cash

or barter?

CUT TO:

EXT. SHORES OF POMPEII - DAY

The ship is no more than docked when Gabrielle rushes down the gangplank and all but kisses the ground.  She spins in a circle, taking in the sights, arms flung wide.

GABRIELLE

By the gods, Xena, did you

ever see anything so beautiful?

Xena, carrying the lion’s share of their combined baggage, steps off the gangplank and drops the bags to the ground.

XENA

It’s not bad.

GABRIELLE

Not bad?!  Look at it!  The hills,

the temples, the villas, the

architecture!  It’s so… so… so….

XENA

Beautiful?

GABRIELLE

I couldn’t have said

it better myself!

XENA

Well, I’m sure it’ll be just

as beautiful once we

actually get inside, so….

GABRIELLE

You’re right, of course.

What are we waiting for?

Let’s go!

Entranced, Gabrielle heads off at a quick clip, leaving Xena to roll her eyes and heft the baggage back over her shoulders.  She sighs and begins walking.

CUT TO:

EXT. CITY OF POMPEII - DAY 

A wide-eyed Gabrielle strolls down the Via dell’Abondanza.  Unfortunately, she is walking against the flow of traffic, and nearly gets flattened by a group of boisterous, toga-clad citizens.  Only a quick grab from Xena saves her from an up close and personal view of the cobblestone streets.

GABRIELLE

Hey!

XENA

You need to watch

where you’re going.

Finally, Gabrielle takes a look around, and sees the setup of the streets.

GABRIELLE

Oh. Whoops.

XENA

Whoops is right.  How about you

helping me carry some of this gear?

I’m beginning to feel like a pack mule.

Gabrielle laughs, a little embarrassed and takes some of the bags, lightening Xena’s load somewhat.

GABRIELLE

Better?

XENA

Much.  Did this ‘travel agent’

of yours happen to set us

up with a place to stay?

GABRIELLE

Well…no.  But Xena, look around!

All the cute little cafes, the shops.

It’s a vacationer’s paradise! I’m sure

we’ll find a place without a problem.

Xena looks unconvinced.

GABRIELLE

(cont’d)

Trust me.

XENA

Famous last words.

GABRIELLE

Ha. Ha.

Turning away, Gabrielle once again becomes completely engrossed in the wonder that is Pompeii.  Not so engrossed, however, as to miss the sudden gathering of citizens very close to them, nor to miss the pointed looks and whispered words, many of which sound remarkably like “Warrior” and “Princess”.  With a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach, she comes to a stop before an immense TOGA-CLAD MAN blocking the road.

TOGA MAN

(to Xena)

Are you the
Warrior Princess?

Xena stares back at him evenly.

XENA

I am.

To Gabrielle’s immense surprise, the man breaks out into a beaming smile and opens his slab-like arms.

TOGA MAN

Welcome to Pompeii,

Warrior Princess!

He turns to an equally immense man standing to his right.

TOGA MAN

See, Stentonious?  I told you

it was her!  I’m never wrong

about these sorts of things.

(to Xena)

We’re all great fans of yours

here, Xena.  The way you

showed up those bastards

Julius and Caligula.  It was…

magic.  Pure magic.

Xena rolls her eyes.

XENA

I… appreciate the welcome,

but if you’ll excuse us, we

need to find a place to stay.

Rather than giving way, the man bows deeply in her direction.

TOGA MAN

I, Marcus Antonius, am at your

service, great Warrior.  I would be

humbled and greatly honored if

you would stay with me at my grand

villa for the duration of your visit here.

XENA

Thank you, but....

STENTONIOUS

Great villa?  Hah!  I’ve seen

beggar’s huts larger than your

‘villa’, Marcus Antonius!

(to Xena)

I, however, have the grandest

villa in all of Pompeii and it would

be my most fervent joy if you

could consent to stay with me

during your visit, Xena.

GABRIELLE

(sotto voce)

Should I get out my shovel?  It’s

getting pretty deep around here.

MAN

Grandest villa in all of Pompeii?

That tumbled down old wreck??

I saw the inspectors out the

other morning threatening

to condemn the place!

MARCUS ANTONIOUS

You’re one to speak, Africanus!

What would you offer her?  A

room in your brothel?  I’m sure

she’d love the sounds of your

two bit whores servicing

toothless old Senators all night!

The crowd laughs.

Roaring, Africanus rounds on Marcus Antonious just as Stentonious clobbers him one across the jaw, setting off a brawl that the Pompeian’s join in with gleeful abandon.

Arms crossed and a smirk on her face, Xena watches the growing brawl while simultaneously fielding and rejecting a myriad of increasingly outlandish offers for housing.

Gabrielle, meanwhile, has turned her attention back to the many shops and cafes lining the road.  A middle aged, beautifully dressed WOMAN catches her eye from one of the nearby establishments and beckons her forward with a smile and a wave.

WOMAN

Welcome to Pompeii, Gabrielle.

Forgive me for assuming.  You

are the Bard Gabrielle, correct?

GABRIELLE

I’m Gabrielle, yes.

The woman smiles in relief.

WOMAN

I thought so.  The descriptions I’ve

heard of you were quite compelling.

GABRIELLE

(surprised)

You’ve… heard descriptions?

Of me?

WOMAN

But of course!  In many circles

you are just as well-known

as your companion after all.

GABRIELLE

(smugly)

I am, huh?

WOMAN

Oh, indeed.

Gesturing toward the door to her establishment, the woman inclines her head.

WOMAN

(cont’d)

Won’t you come in

and rest your legs?

Gabrielle demurs, glancing over at the growing brawl.  Xena is safely out of the way, still watching with avid, smirking, interest.  To one side, money appears to be changing hands.

WOMAN

(cont’d)

Xena will know where

you’ve come.

GABRIELLE

How do you know?

With a grin, the woman points to the sign she’s standing beside.